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Newly printed book on environmental conservation already misses life as tree

Updated: Dec 27, 2018

“If I was a new thriller by Stephen King, I’d probably be okay with this..."




NASHVILLE, TN Today was a sad day for a newly printed book on environmental conservation when it realized it was no longer a majestic spruce in Washington State but a $15 self-published hardback on an independent bookstore shelf. If I were a new thriller by Stephen King, I’d probably be okay with this, but this amateur? He can barely spell. He had my cover designed by some girl he met at a bowling alley. And he had the nerve to put a hemlock on the front. Insulting! At best, I’ll be in a thrift store bin by the end of the month. At worst, I’ll end up in a box in someone’s basement next to Fifty Shades of Grey.” When asked what it misses most about being a tree, the it said, “Mostly the wind through my branches. Also, the sun. I loved the sun. Hey, maybe someone will read me outside in a park? A book can dream, right? Oh I can’t? This really sucks.”

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