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New law would force porch pirates to walk plank at Old Hickory Lake

Updated: Apr 13



Nashville, TN - A Tennessee bill has been proposed that would force first-time porch pirates caught stealing packages to walk the plank at Old Hickory Lake.


According to sources, captured pirates would be sailed out to the deepest parts of Old Hickory and forced by their victims at sword-point to jump into the lake. Pirates caught a second time would be locked in the brig for up to 12 years.


Jack Beardman, the bill's sponsor, told The Inquisitor, "We know the penalties are harsh, but we need to show these scallywags that we won't tolerate them stealing porch treasures purchased online."


The new legislation is expected to go to vote in three moons.


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