MT. JULIET, TN - Have you been searching WebMD for a rare disease to match your current health symptoms, but can’t seem to find the perfect epidemic? Today, there is hope. The internet medical authority has announced it is adding three horrific new diseases in 2019. Charles D. Campbell, head disease curator for the site, said, “We are so excited to share these terrifying new conditions with the anxious public. I’ve got to say, number three is going to keep you up for weeks. Happy new year.” While the disorders will not officially be released until later this week, The Inquisitor was given a sneak peek at two on the condition it would not share them. Here are all the details:
Description: Unstoppable hair growth of the pits that takes over entire body
Symptoms: Any amount of hair growth under arms that wasn’t there a week ago
Life expectancy: 2 weeks
Description: Your body drinks itself
Symptoms: Any thirst or dry mouth of any form
Life expectancy: 3 hours, 22 minutes
No information was available for #3 at the time of this printing, but we were told repeatedly it is a nightmare.