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Local bachelor gladly accepts risk of catching virus over staying home with family


Hollywood, CA - A local bachelor, who asked to remain nameless, says he gladly accepts the risk of catching COVID-19 over staying home in isolation with his family.


"I'd rather catch the Coronavirus than spend another second alone with those people. They're nuts," he told reporters. "We are only two days into this thing and I'm already about to snap. I've got to get out of here."


Witnesses say the man was seen an hour later at a downtown line-dancing club, shaking hands with a crowd of random strangers and then rubbing his face and mouth. He was also spotted drinking from over a dozen club-goers' glasses and beer bottles.


We reached out to the bachelor's ex-girlfriend to better understand the family and its dynamics. She said, "Well, I don't want to be mean, but his mom, bless her heart, is a controlling, judgmental, clingy, rude, manipulative, nosy, over-dramatic, and jealous you-know-what. And those are her good qualities. Go Auburn."


She went on to say that the bachelor's younger brother was a little sketchy and the father seemed nice but clearly deathly afraid of his wife.


At the time of this publishing, the bachelor was reportedly hanging out at the airport, hugging strangers at the baggage claim.


The Inquisitor visited the family at their home and asked for comment. The mother blamed her son's ex-girlfriend for his recent behavior before telling her husband, “Di algo mal también, ayúdame.” Unfortunately, no member of our staff speaks Spanish.



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Sources say Wilson is resting at home in self-isolation with mild symptoms

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