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Report: Nashville bars had more cases of staggering than staggering cases of COVID-19

Nashville, TN - According to a leaked report from the Nashville mayor's office, Nashville bars had more reported cases of staggering than staggering cases of COVID-19 in July.

"Oops," said a spokesperson for the mayor. "This is all just a big misunderstanding."

The spokesperson went on to say that the mayor's office simply mistook a safety report on the number of inebriated patrons staggering out of downtown honky-tonks and thought it was referring to cases of COVID-19.

Sources say the report shows 1,923 cases of drunk, stumbling tourists, but less than 80 cases of the coronavirus for the same period.

Still, it was these statistics that led the mayor to close down bars, penalize establishments, and reduce the capacity of venues to a financially disastrous minimum.

The mayor's office did not go so far as to apologize but did blame an intern for the mistake.

"Dang interns," said the spokesperson. "Guess we can't trust them with highly-sensitive, critical health information anymore."

The mysterious intern's name was not given so we could not reach him or her for comment.

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The Inquisitor Nashville is a work of satire. We aim to promote positive mental health through the power of laughter. If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

1 Comment

Fuming Riley
Fuming Riley
Sep 17, 2020

Not surprised, plenty of staggering always going on in and around Nashville

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