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Trump to stop mail-in voting by banning all uses of paper, including toilet paper

Washington, DC - In a strategic move to stop mail-in voting, President Trump is expected to sign an executive order banning all uses of paper, including toilet paper.

A spokesperson for the president told reporters, "Aside from preventing fraudulent mail-in ballots, the president hopes this order will show Americans just how passionate he is about the environment and climate change."

According to reports, the order will not be a perpetual ban, but just a five-week trial, beginning on October 1 and ending November 5.

Environmental activists applauded the move. "I'm happy to see the president is finally accepting the science and taking action. I just wish it was for more than a few weeks."

Still, many Americans expressed concern about what they should use for bath tissue. When reporters asked the president's spokesperson, she said, "I don't know. Leaves? Grass? You'll figure it out."

American drugstore chain CVS also expressed concern on how they would continue to offer customers their six-foot receipt when the ban takes effect. The spokesperson offered no suggestions.

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